Why Do We Cling to Patterns which Keep Us Stuck?

A recent client of mine felt frustrated about continually being in the same painful relationship dynamics despite previous clarity about the unconscious patterns at play.   This is common and raises an important question:

Why do we keep repeating painful patterns that cause us suffering?

​I have identified three key reasons why we stay stuck in these subconscious loops.  Before exploring them, it’s important to mention our patterns’ deeper roots.

​Six Core Wounds which Shape Our Patterns

Embedded within our Human Design chart is a blueprint of core wounds; deep seated themes that shape our experiences and relationships.  These wounds aren’t meant to be seen as flaws or judgments.   They originally formed as protective mechanisms in childhood; solutions to challenges that we faced.   During our lifetime they might unconsciously create distance, conflict, and confusion in our relationships. 
​ 

• Repression – A deep fear of being fully seen, leading to suppression of true emotions and authentic expression.
• ​Denial – Avoidance of deep self-reflection, often projecting our issues onto others instead of recognizing and owning them.
• Shame – Feeling fundamentally flawed, leading to self-sabotage and an inability to trust ourselves and life’s flow.
• Rejection – Fear of not being loved or accepted, creating emotional barriers or the need for validation.
• Guilt – A sense of responsibility for others' pain, leading to overcompensation and continually being the one to try to fix the relationship.
• Separation – A deep existential loneliness, feeling disconnected from life or humanity as a whole.

​These six wounds become the foundation of the patterns which become our default.

​Three Things That Keep Us Stuck

1. The Quest for Love and Belonging

As children we are closest to the feeling of unconditional love.  It’s innate.   When we don’t consistently receive love, safety, or validation from our caregivers we begin to unconsciously ask ourselves:

• What do I need to do or be in order to receive love?
• ​Which parts of myself do I need to hide in order to be accepted?

These early strategies become patterns which we carry into our relationships, careers, and daily interactions.  We adapt, perform, or suppress parts of ourselves in an effort to secure safety, love and belonging.

2. The Comfort of Familiar Discomfort

We hold onto what hurts us out of habit, fear, and comfort.  Perhaps we don’t yet know, or can’t yet access, any other way?
​
​Our core wounds become part of our identity.  They shape the stories that we tell ourselves and others.  Even when a pattern causes pain, it feels familiar.  The known can feel safer than the unknown.  Healing requires us to step into the foreign territory of a new story.  Because that can be so unsettling, we unconsciously cling to our old stories and ways of being.

3. The Nervous System Trap

Our mental and emotional patterns are deeply wired into our nervous system.   Eventually they become our kryptonite, triggering fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses when activated.   By default, not by choice.  
When our neurological system becomes overwhelmed we become what is called dysregulated.  A nerve truly has been struck.  When this occurs we literally lose the ability to step back, think rationally and see patterns clearly.   Our entire focus becomes surviving the present moments’ pain.  A common reflexive response is to point a finger and project blame outward.  Whether defaulting to fight, flight, freeze or fawn, each time this pattern repeats it becomes further "proof" of our situation and reinforces our sense of being stuck.

Breaking Free from the Loop

I wish I could offer you a quick fix.  Healing these patterns takes time.   True transformation includes unraveling how we got somewhere in the first place.  Only then can we break free from our stories to reclaim our life force, creativity, and inner peace.  We can finally experience connection and harmony in our relationships rather than conflict and struggle.  

This is what I love to help my clients work through.  Seeing someone recognize their patterns and step into freedom is one of the most rewarding things that I do.
​  
If certain patterns are keeping you stuck, let’s explore them and find ways to move you into something new and better.  For that, click on the "Work With Me" menu above.