Aldous Littlebird: Choosing Peace & Humour

Ross Tayler: Today on Sacred Sundays, I'm joined by Aldous Littlebird, also known as the Nicotine Nun. Aldous is from Saint John, New Brunswick, and is a self-ordained embodiment of peace, a creator, a philosopher, and a former street outreach worker. She's a seeker of truth, transforming her recovery from the depths of depression into a journey of humor, heart, and humility. Welcome, Aldous. So happy to have you here.

Aldous Littlebird: Nice to be here.

Ross Tayler: I just wanted to let our listeners know that this conversation is going to be a little bit unusual, in the sense that Aldous and I have had a past working relationship. I wanted to disclose that in the beginning because what I've witnessed in working with Aldous is her determination, her commitment, and the things she's done to get to where she is. It's really the most beautiful, powerful thing that I've witnessed. I really think the story that Aldous has to share would be beneficial to people who are having those same struggles. That's the reason for our conversation, and I'm really excited to highlight that today. Is there anything you want to say to that or add to that?

Aldous Littlebird: Wow, thanks, Ross. It's quite a compliment. It's been quite a journey, and it speaks to my determination, because I think since I met you I've had a goal, and I'm reaping the benefits of that goal now. I feel that it's time to share this story with other people. Maybe someone will benefit from that.

Ross Tayler: Awesome. The first question I wanted to start with is about Nicotine Nun. I know a little bit about the backstory, but I wonder if you could say something about that and what it represents for you.

Aldous Littlebird: Nicotine Nun actually started as an Instagram handle, because in my own art, I like religious imagery. The symbolism is very powerful to me and it comes across well in paintings. Then I started to come across all these pictures of nuns having fun, and people were sending me pictures of nuns smoking. I love the paradox. It's a humorous way to look at religion, and I really believe that we have to take spirituality and religion in those humorous ways, because I believe humor is the language of love. I took it a little bit farther and ordained myself the Nicotine Nun, because I want to embody the things that nuns do. I want to be truthful to the vows that I've made to myself and to my, pardon the word, my God, my universe, my spirit. I take it that seriously, and in that way no one can say I'm not a nun. But I want that element of humor to come across to bring the humanity to it. I've found in my outreach work that's really the only way to reach people. You don't walk around all pious and expect to help people, because they feel less than you.

Ross Tayler: I love the image of the nun with a cigarette in her mouth. There's something about that specifically that you bring, in terms of the humor you mentioned and the humanity, because it is about being human, isn't it?

Aldous Littlebird: It is. I'm being reminded of a lovely lyric by Tool. It's just a small bit of one long song, but it's been going through my head.

[Aldous quotes a lyric from a song by Tool.]

Ross, you taught me all these years that we're still here to be human. And the nun sneaking a cigarette, I just always love that. I am that person. I'm the rascal, but ultimately my heart is good and pure.

Ross Tayler: What I love about what you just said is that the depression and the anxiety can't coexist with the energy you just brought. That laughter.

Aldous Littlebird: No, they can't. What I'm coming to realize is that anywhere there is light, darkness can't exist. More and more, my entire life is light. So I love that you brought that up.

Ross Tayler: Could you say more about your relationship to religion, if you want to call it that? My belief is that it's more from a metaphysical perspective. You've also walked a Buddhist path. Maybe you can say a little bit about how that has helped or informed your journey.

Aldous Littlebird: I can talk about that a little. I don't really want to label it anything. There was a Buddhist path for a while. I also went to church for a while. But what happened was what I now refer to as my birthday. It was April 23rd, 2016. If you were looking at me, you'd know that wasn't my birthday, but that day I awoke into something. Previous to that I was a staunch atheist. Later I would read The Power of Now, which I had read before, but I hadn't correlated the two. It was a very similar experience to what Eckhart Tolle had. It lasted months. It was this extreme peace, and all I could see was beauty. It had to be that big for me to understand that it was a goal worth setting, to come back to.

So I began to see the silver thread in religions, the core message, the very beautiful message. It was all the same. I really got thirsty for that, so I started visiting churches and talking to people and reading every book I could. I did end up studying with the Buddhist nuns and monks in PEI, which taught me so much. Such wonderful people. But that ultimately led to me finding the Buddha in the road, as you say, and killing him, because I was over-conceptualizing.

Your original question was about my spirituality. I wouldn't say it's necessarily metaphysical. I wouldn't say it's Buddhist, I wouldn't say it's Zen. It's really nothing. It's just what I know to be completely true in my heart, and being guided by that and the vows I set for myself, being a Nicotine Nun and following a peaceful path. That's made me close with what some people call God.

Ross Tayler: I think the key that I heard in that is that the orientation of your beliefs is inward versus studying something outward, even though there's a reflection of both. It's really about following your heart, your inner guidance, your inner compass, whatever that looks like.

Aldous Littlebird: Yeah. All the reading and research and studying that I did helped me to understand the key messages of Christ and Siddhartha, and how simple and beautiful they are. I did a whole lot of reading to find out it was very simple. Those things are guidelines to how I want to be and how I want to live and how I love myself.

Ross Tayler: If we shift over to your journey with your mental wellness, what would you want to say about that? What do you want to share, keeping in mind that others are going to hear this who might benefit from your perspective?

Aldous Littlebird: I'm someone who was diagnosed with depression, clinical depression, very early, at the age of 15. I'd been experiencing suicidal thoughts since about 13. Then I just fell into the deepest, darkest pit. I sometimes describe it as a concrete room with a one-way mirror, where I could see out to people but they couldn't see in. I couldn't get out. I was just in this darkness. I'm happy to say that I don't experience those depths anymore. Diagnosis after diagnosis after diagnosis, one thing I've come to find out is that I embodied those things. Which brings me, if I can have a side note, to the fact that I want to embody peace now. I don't want to embody anger and sadness. We are whatever we want to be. I wouldn't say I ever wanted to be depressed or suicidal, but I didn't realize my own role in that.

There was hospitalization and clinics, and then I became someone who was deemed over-therapized, I think was the word. I could sit in a room with a clinician and know what they were going to say before they did. It wasn't really until I met you, Ross, that things started to turn around. But I have to say that I really knew what I wanted in someone reflecting my experience with me. And you came and you were wonderful.

Ross Tayler: Thank you. You mentioned embodying peace. I imagine that for anyone who is currently struggling with anxiety, depression, whatever else they might be struggling with, the notion of embodying peace may seem so far off in the distance. I would imagine that you felt that, or wouldn't even have had it on your radar at some points. What would you say to someone about that journey towards peace?

Aldous Littlebird: I definitely didn't have it on my radar. That's why that birthday I mentioned in 2016 was so important. It was a year after a suicide attempt, and I wasn't getting better. I had prayed to God, who I didn't even believe in, to die. And actually what happened is I kind of did. But embodying peace, to me before that day, would have been something that, if I was talking to myself, I would have said I was crazy. There's no way. That's what I mean. When there's not a little bit of light, you can't see anything in the darkness. So I had to be hit over the head with light in order to get it.

Ross Tayler: Light and life, I would imagine.

Aldous Littlebird: Light and life, yes. It was the first time I saw the beauty in the world and wasn't feeling like I can't wait to get out of here. I remember at the time I was feeling an awful lot like I didn't belong here. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I think that's an ego-based feeling. If someone hears this, they might think, that kook, I'm so depressed I can't see the outside of it, she must not have been that depressed. I was depressed. I was in such darkness. Maybe this is me shining a little tiny light through a keyhole that sparks your imagination to move forward in your own journey. It's the coolest journey. You get to overcome what I consider a terminal illness. I've conquered that with my own brain, my own will, with people like you, Ross. I'm so proud of myself, and that empowerment also drives the journey.

Ross Tayler: I want to ask, what would Nicotine Nun say after having said all of that? I'm imagining that she might have some quirky advice as well.

Aldous Littlebird: You told me to keep the language. I have colorful language. I am a Maritimer. What would Nicotine Nun say? Well, Aldous Littlebird [?] is by nature a punk rocker. She's still an anarchist, but a peaceful one, a gentle one. I'll tell you what Nicotine Nun actually said. I have friends, and myself, we were all fighting the good fight. We're fighting for a lot of really good causes, against a lot of terrible things that are happening right now. What I found, with myself and in the reflection I was getting from my friends, is that this was bringing nothing but anger to us. I was getting more and more angry. What Nicotine Nun decided was that this anger is not a good weapon. It's not sustainable. It's going to kill me with my own physical health and my anxiety. I was getting sadder and sadder and angrier and angrier, but I felt that's what I had to do.

Now, what I did was flip the script and say, I'm not fighting with the same juice that they're fighting with. I'm not fighting sword to sword. I'm going to be the peace that I want to be, and that is going to be my weapon. It took some cojones to do that with my friends, to say, I'm not going to be at the protests anymore. I'm not going to be championing people who take literal shots at people. I don't think violence is right. I think the way to fight this is peace. I think that's the only way we're going to fight this. If we don't, then we're just as bad as them. To my absolute delight, my friends accepted that, which shows me that they are good friends. They're fighting their fight and I'm fighting my fight. It's both the same fight, we just have different weapons.

So that's what Nicotine Nun does. She's still a wild girl, but I'm choosing a different weapon.

Ross Tayler: What's most noticeable for me is the energy that comes behind Nicotine Nun, in terms of how it impacts you and how you get lit up by that energy. It brings something alive in you that otherwise wasn't there. It's the complete opposite of depression. But it also honors this unique perspective that you have. I love the punk rocker piece. All of these things that we encounter, all of the struggles we have, depression, anxiety, all of the things that come after that, the chronic pieces, they're a byproduct of the relational struggles we've had. They're a byproduct of how we haven't felt like we belong, or how we don't feel like we can get love. For this character, because it does feel like a character but also like a very important part of you, to emerge and bring the energy that it does, it shifts all of that. It does flip the script, you're right. And it's really rooted in love, is it not?

Aldous Littlebird: It's absolute love. It's loving myself. It's saying that my values matter, that they are effective. Running around hitting each other with sticks is not going to solve anything. I want to feel peaceful in my own life, and I really am a believer that when you are peace, it's infectious, contagious.

Ross Tayler: I think about the moments when someone is really at their lowest and it's hard to figure out what to say or what to do. Having worked in the fields that I have, those are the hardest moments of trying to support someone, when every part of their being is not wanting support. I think about caregivers and family. What would you say to everyone about those moments that are so hard for us to face? What is it you needed to hear, or wanted to hear? Or what does Nicotine Nun have to say about that?

Aldous Littlebird: I was thinking about this in the woods today. I always think of Tyler Durden from Fight Club saying that we're not a unique and beautiful snowflake. That's the kind of energy I need. Everyone's different, and that may drive someone away. But in my depths of depression, I think what I'm trying to say is that depression, and your suicidality, your personality disorder, whatever you have, does not make you special. What you do with that has the power to make you special. On my walk in the woods today I was thinking that we have this urge to be special. As a child in the eighties and nineties, it's like, you're special, everybody gets a ribbon, right? The word special in itself has an inherent implication of special-er. We are each beautiful snowflakes, but we are not special-er than other snowflakes.

I want people to understand that they're being given a really beautiful vantage point of the world and a different perspective that not everybody gets. But your wish to leave this world, your wish to be free of pain, is not what makes you special. The things that you bring because you have this advantage, this perspective, those are the things that make you special. Share them. Carry them forward through your life, through living.

Ross Tayler: I just remembered something that you said at one point that I experienced as quite profound. You made this declaration of, I don't want, fill in the blank, to be my God. I don't want depression to be my God. I don't want sadness to be my God. Maybe I've got that a little bit wrong, but you can clarify.

Aldous Littlebird: No, you've got it. That's interesting. I don't remember saying that to you, but I'm reading A Course in Miracles again, and I'm on something right to that point. When I have bad thoughts, and what has recently come to me is that I don't want to label them good or bad thoughts, they're just thoughts. They're just farts in the wind. But when those things arise that are maybe ego based, what my heart tells me to do is judge whether I would trade my peace for that apartment I'm worrying about, or the car payment, or whatever the situation is. Or, you know, I don't have a boyfriend, or I'm not pretty enough. My inner voice says, would you trade your peace for a partner right now? I always say no, because there's nothing worth trading this for. Then it says, why are you trading it now? In other words, you'd trade your peace later by buying a new truck and then having to fix it all the time, or you're trading it now just by worrying about it. Why would you trade it at all, ever?

It's parallel to what you're talking about. Depression is not my God anymore. I'm not trading my peace for that. I've come too far. We choose who our God is. We choose it every second of every day. We can choose nicotine, we can choose Facebook, we can choose depression, we can choose our moms and dads, we can choose anything at all. But the only one that will always, always respond to you is peace. It's the only one worth worshiping.

Ross Tayler: There's something to that, and then I'll come back to the second question. The first thing is that you mentioned all of us being special or special-er. That's interesting, because in Human Design it really reveals that we are here to be living our unique map, if you will, living the schematic of who we are. It's not at all about being special. It's about honoring the gifts that we have and sharing those gifts with the world. There's a way that we can let the ego get involved with that and paint a picture that isn't the real picture we're trying to get back to. Which leads me to the next question. The voice that you've accessed, the connection to your higher self, you've removed all the noise, all the distortion that's been covering up that voice, probably for most of your life.

Aldous Littlebird: I would say the voice has been there. I just couldn't decipher it from all the other voices, because each thing that I wanted, or thought that I wanted, has its own voice. And just to go back for a second, I was thinking today about your comment about being special. You can't make a car all out of steering wheels. We all need to be a part of what's going on. We all have different gifts and different beauties. So we are all equally special. I didn't mean to say that people aren't special. I just don't like the separation that comes with deciding that someone's special because they can do this and I can't do that.

Anyway, back to the voice. Yes, there's a very clear voice that I hear now that guides me, and I've found that all I have to do is follow the instructions. Because I've stuck so adamantly to the vows I made personally, to be Nicotine Nun, to be peace, that whatever I vowed that to, which is myself and everyone else on this planet because ultimately we're all part of it, whatever I vowed that to heard me and responded, finally, finally you're listening. There have been moments of anxiety, and I just say that so I'm not trading my peace for that.

Things in religion sort of get distorted. I heard in an earlier podcast something I've always thought, that heaven and hell are here on this earth and we decide. That's deciding who our God is. Again, thinking about this in my walk in the woods, this is where I hear this voice. I was thinking about how my art career began, and it was with an exploration of the seven sins, which is an interesting exploration for an atheist. It was a foretelling of what was to come from me. I didn't realize at the time that it was incredibly wise. I did this as a 23-year-old. It was about how we sin upon ourselves. When I say sin, it's not as in you're going to hell. That's why I get onto the heaven and hell thing. It's things that keep you from achieving the peace that you want. They're just things that get in the way. This voice that I hear now clears all of that noise out of the way. I think when religions speak about the devil or hell, they're actually talking about the ego and the states that we put ourselves in. I wouldn't be the first person to say that, I don't think.

Ross Tayler: I love that. It really does answer the question of that voice that got revealed and the way in which you connected with it. It's an interesting byproduct of the journey, to connect with something that you might have known was there, but then to really have that voice come through so powerfully.

Aldous Littlebird: Yeah, and I'm reminded of just how many Aldouses there were. There was Aldous the painter. There was Aldous the depressed person. There was Aldous the harm reduction advocate. There was Aldous the outreach worker. There was Aldous the daughter, Aldous the sister. All those Aldouses have voices. It's not that you shouldn't take pride in what you do or do what you think is right, but don't make those things your God. If your first and foremost intention is peace, then the rest falls into place. Then you can be a harm reduction worker with peace in your heart. You can be a sister or a mother with peace in your heart. It's what you put first. What God are you going to choose?

Ross Tayler: Another question I have is related to the fact that you went through a very significant struggle physically. I think it's an important piece to highlight in this conversation because, ultimately, your body was screaming at you. It was in some ways a byproduct of all the work you had been doing and the emotions you'd been gathering. I'll let you speak to it if you'd like to.

Aldous Littlebird: Sure. My body is a pretty good barometer of what's going on in my mind, I'd say, as is my household. People have little tells. I was very, very sick with endometriosis, which just recently got handled. But there have been things since that I had attributed to the endometriosis that have stuck around. What I've found is that they are stored memories, stored emotions, stored beliefs even, and as I work through these problems they're going away. The endometriosis was handled surgically, I must say that. I almost forgot I had it. But it was such a significantly hard time physically. I was very concerned about creating an addiction to morphine, and also about caring for someone at home. It was my rock bottom in a way, and then it bounced back up.

At the same time, I liken it to when we start to see some things clearly, how our ego gets manipulative and sneaky and tries different routes, even confusing you to the point that you go and buy a new pair of boots, or you follow the temptations with addiction. It was almost like a physical manifestation of my ego going, no, we can't hold on to her anymore. It was like struggling like the guy from Lord of the Rings, the Gremlin guy. When we finally start to see things clearly, I find that the ego does start playing really nasty tricks, to the point that you're like, who's who? What voice is that? Then unusually manipulative things that you didn't even know you could think of. I liken my physical state with the endometriosis to that, where it was like, okay, if we can't get her in her mind, because she's very close to being free of this depression, then we're just going to destroy her body and make her think that nothing in this world cares about her. Then by some stroke of luck, that all changed. I see parallels in the way the mind works and the physical in that way, definitely.

Ross Tayler: It holds all the hallmarks of the hero's journey.

Aldous Littlebird: I love the hero's journey.

Ross Tayler: Right? You become the hero in your own story, overcoming all those challenges and struggles.

Aldous Littlebird: Yeah, I think so.

Ross Tayler: All right, this feels like we could keep talking for quite a while, but it also feels like a good place to stop. Before we do, I wanted to close with the question I usually ask at the end, which is, what is one simple way someone could connect with the sacred today?

Aldous Littlebird: Every day I try to get into nature, especially when I really don't want to. Once you get there and you open up to it, I used to find, at the beginning of this round that I do, that the first ten minutes was devoted to just bitching. Mind work. After that, 20 minutes in, things started to slow down until I was just noticing the birds and seeing the seals, and I saw a porpoise today. I don't know what happens in the woods, but there's some sort of oxygen exchange, and I get almost high off the endorphins or something. By the time I come out of the woods an hour later, I'm a whole different person. To me, that is the sacred. That's someone taking your pain for you. It's such a special thing that we all have access to, and not enough people take the time to do it.

Ross Tayler: Thank you. I love that, because nature is the closest reflection of ourselves that we might not often get to see. I can relate. After this, I'm going out, and it's pouring rain, and I'm like, do I want to go out? But I will.

Aldous Littlebird: I did the same yesterday. We're getting the hurricane here. It's not pleasant to be out, but the harder the struggle, the better the rewards, I think. Ross, just before you end, I wanted to point out your role in all this.

Ross Tayler: Hmm.

Aldous Littlebird: What a lovely person you've been to hold space for me when I needed it most, and to not judge. I couldn't have asked for someone better. A lot of the problem that I see, looking back, with the people I was getting therapy from was that some sort of hierarchy was established, like, you're in my office and you're going to do what I say, and there was no lived experience. Now we're recognizing lived experience more and more as the valuable piece that it is. I want to thank you so much for hearing what I needed in my journey and being present through that and to the end, and now here with me.

Ross Tayler: Thank you, Aldous. I really appreciate that. I also want to say that it was such a gift to work with you, because you were continually leveling up through the process. You taught me a lot as well, because of the way that you look at things, the way that you're not scared of certain things, and the types of conversations that you have. Indirectly, you helped me to help others in a different way than I would have. Your tenacity to keep learning and keep growing, and your perspectives on how you see things, are somewhat radical, but they're also really refreshing. I think that's the Nicotine Nun influence. It's been a gift all the way around to work with you, and I'm so happy to celebrate where you've gotten to.

Aldous Littlebird: Thanks, Ross. I hope what we both experienced can go on to help other people as well.

Ross Tayler: Absolutely. And if someone out there is inspired by your story and wants to reach out and connect with you, what might be the best way to connect? As far as I know, social media, you've kind of turned all that off. Would it be email?

Aldous Littlebird: Yeah, it would be email. Maybe we can put it in the comments for this.

Ross Tayler: In the show notes, yeah.

Aldous Littlebird: Social media is not my God, dude. Not anymore. There may come a day, but for now, email would be it.

Ross Tayler: Okay, so we'll put the email address in the show notes.

Aldous Littlebird: Okey dokey.

Ross Tayler: Awesome. Well, thank you again. And to everyone listening, thank you for tuning in. Until next time, take good care.