During my life I have been given the following labels: Introvert, Sensitive, Loner, Quiet, Shy, Disconnected. These are the core labels and I am sure there are many others. At this point in my life, I feel like those labels are actually symptoms which don't align with the suggested life path we are asked to follow. My judgement is, I live in a world that expects me to fit a prescribed mould. It's no wonder that I spent so much time feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
I spent the majority of my life judging myself for being different than others. I saw the world very differently and had different interests. I also thought that I needed to be like others and tried to be like them. This resulted in a lot of inner conflict. I created beliefs and judgments from what I experienced externally. When I reflect back on my childhood, I can remember so many situations where I got into trouble for being me. I lived in a world where adults said things like "Why can't you be more like...."
As I begin writing this blog I am not 100% sure of its purpose. I tend to honour and notice my persistent intuitions and then take action, so I am following the nudge. I have a feeling that we are about to learn something together!
Last week I made a commitment to myself, that I would offer 100 free connections / conversations. This was also a persistent intuitive nudge that I decided to run with. In my core I know it is the right thing to do. The idea of connecting with 100 people and witnessing their stories is very exciting and totally aligns with my mission / purpose.
I think being a parent is an area of my life which presents a deep opportunity for growth and awareness. I have been humbled by my mistakes and enlightened by the teaching that my kids have held for me. I deeply want the best for my kids and I also want to shield them from the pain that I experienced. I often held the belief that because I was older and had life experience, it gave me permission to impose my beliefs onto my children. This belief would often lead to conflict.
I came into this world with childlike innocence and wonder, trusting everyone and everything. Then at some point my world view began to change, it was no longer safe to simply be me. I started to judge myself based on the expectations and judgement of others. I started to compare myself to others and in this comparison made myself wrong. This inner story snowballed and silently affected my experiences and relationships. Then one day I started to question this story. Does this sound familiar?
A true story about SH*# with an interesting twist. Specifically, this story is about other peoples dogs poo bags. This morning I was walking by the golf course and the Mamquam River and noticed a big bag of dog poo sitting at the side of the trail. I thought to myself; is it my responsibility to pick up that bag of poop and take it to the garbage can? I don't even own a dog, and what will people think as I walked back carrying someone else's bag of poo. Gotta love the constant dialogue of the inner critic. I must say that in other parts of Squamish, the bags of poo are hanging from trees like Christmas ornaments.
This week Robin Williams gave us the gift of a collective wake up call. Will we press the snooze button? We could easily have a discussion about any of the following topics; suicide, depression, anxiety, loneliness the list goes on. All of the topics I just mentioned are symptoms, that invite us to look a little deeper. I have spent a lot of time this week reflecting on how I have felt over the years and how far I have come. To be honest its difficult to truly connect to what
Everything has some sort of cycle or rotation. Days become nights which return to day. Winter becomes spring and then summer and fall. Cycles occur in small and in big ways and within the cycle there is always some sort of transformation. These cycles occur in our lives as well and are calling us towards a fuller expression of ourselves and inviting us to experience joy and purpose.