A Rant About "Presence"

There is a burning desire / need within me that for the most part is going unmet. I apologize in advance, this might be a bit of an honest rant. The deal is, that I am totally human and perfectly imperfect. For example, in regards to this Blog post, my inner critic had a bit of a field day. Write it , don't write it. You are a hypocrite if you write that. You won't be teaching anything, it's just a rant. Back and forth. 

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At some point my intuition won and I decided I would write it. So here is the honest truth. Sometimes, people ask me "how I am doing" or some question like that. Yet, I don't tell them the truth of what is going on for me. Now for the most part, I have no issues, being vulnerable. I need to know, that you can hold space for what's coming out. I do consider myself very lucky, to have a very close circle of friends that I trust completely. What I am sharing, is what I am noticing when they are not around. Now, I should also say that in some ways, I realize my hypocrisy as I write these words. For I am not always the best listener. I am not always present. So how could I possibly expect that from others? Which is why my inner critic said. Don't write this.

I have a deep desire to be able to look you in the eyes and share with you my sadness or the tears that I am fighting to hold back. I want to return the favour by receiving your words and holding space for you as you speak your truth. I am exhausted by the surface level exchanges that take place on a daily basis. Half the time when we say how are you? We keep walking after we ask. After 27 years in food service, that question has become a habit for me.

We say hello, you shake my hand, except your eyes have already moved on to somebody else. You ask a question, I share my heart and I look up only to see that you aren't even listening. We are talking, yet I can tell by your energy that you have to go and are not really listening. I want to know that if I metaphorically play tennis with you, that you are going to be able to hit the ball back. I want to know, that if I share the truth with you that you are going to hear it without judging the situation and try to fix it.

If we were truly present to each other, we would look into each other's eyes and see what is not being said. We would feel, what is being held back in the energy. We would notice that something wasn't right and take the right action. It's funny, that as I write these words I remember all the times that I have done this for people. All the times I am present. I keep reading that a shift is coming. The thing is, we need to create that shift. I have a friend. (Waynearooni) :-) We started asking each other "How are you being?" I love that question. It makes me stop and think. It gives me permission to answer with truth. For example, In this moment I "be" relieved that all these words are out of my head and that I've shared them with you. I can't remember who said this but it's so true. The thing about this life is that nobody gets out alive. So, let's slow down and give each other the gift of presence.

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone
receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our
spirits expand.” ~ Sue Patton Thoele